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An open letter to my heartbroken self

rainbow-with-anisah-azmi

Opinions

What I wish I was told when enduring the pains of love lost.

To my heartbroken self,

The love of your life has just left and you are completely devastated.

It is a blade plunged straight to your chest, twisted rib-deep to leave a festering wound. It is a cheap shot to the stomach, pushing air out from your lungs, leaving you breathless, beaten and bruised.

"I don't think we can do this anymore," he said, "this is too much for me."

"I need you, please, I need this," you begged, voice shaken.

"I need space," he replied, deadpan. 

You knew then, that was the end.

I am sorry for reminding you, but you have been repeating this scene endlessly in your head anyway. 

It feels like your entire life has been overturned. All the plans you have made are now completely nullified. Cry, scream...it is okay.

 laid-back-nature-anisah-azmi
YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU ARE DOWN ON THE GROUND,
COMPLETELY ALONE AND UTTERLY ABANDONED.

You had the foolish assumption that this was the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with. You knew the odds – how often do people end up with their first love anyway? But you convinced yourself that you were the exception. 

This is a note for the future: you are never the exception, you are always the rule.

You built your life and dreams around this man. You changed your lifestyle, your friends, even your personality to fit into his idea of perfection, and still he left. 

This will anger you, but it is not a destructive rage. It is a fury that makes you determined to get out of a rut, to be your own person again. 

So that is what you do: Against all odds, you pick yourself up.

You will learn, first and foremost, to love yourself. You will make plans, set goals and dream of ambitions for yourself without anyone else's influence. 

You may be struggling, but luckily, your family and friends are more than willing to support you, so let them. They will be there every step of the way. 

 anisha-azmi-portrait
YOU WERE SO CAUGHT UP TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE,
YOU COULD NOT EVEN RECOGNISE YOURSELF.
PHOTO CREDIT: NASRI SAMAT

He will still be lingering in your thoughts, but as you walk away, even attachment fades into the distance.

You will not be jumping at the next chance to get into another relationship; you will find that being single has its perks. But that does not mean you have locked the doors to your heart, swearing off love forever like you thought you would.

Your heart will race again and the butterflies will appear once more. But this time, you will know...that a person should not define you, that the "great love" is not the goal. 

You will see that you have little control over anything, and it will not scare you anymore. Things will not go as planned, and you do not always get what you want, but you will accept life in all its wondrous forms. 

 tanah-lot-with-anisah-azmi
YOU WILL GO ON ADVENTURES AND DISCOVER LOVE AND 
LIFE IN PLACES YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED.
PHOTO CREDIT: MARTINA MARSHA

I'm writing to tell you that the future you is happier than you could have ever imagined. 

Happiness is not a destination you reach once you have collected a boyfriend, a job or a house. 

Happiness is what you make out of the life you were given. It is the acceptance that things will never stray from what is meant to be. It is living without regret.

You think your heart is broken because you have lost your entire world, but you will realise the world is still right under your feet, and nothing can ever break you.

BANNER PHOTO CREDIT: LUKE TITUS SANGERMAN
TEASER PHOTO CREDIT: CHRIS FOSSEY

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